Transitioning a New Sibling into the Family

This month’s article comes from a response to some genuine concerns.

How do you adjust to a new baby without losing yourself?

Create time and space for yourself, surround yourself with a support system, as described in the Parenting Tip in the June newsletter (It can also be found on by blog: parent-educatorfusion.blogspot.com).

Why do you feel sad for the older sibling?

Feeling sorry for the older sibling comes from the transition that you are both going through as the new baby takes time that you once had together.  It is natural, but rest assured your child will adjust as easily as you do, if they are included in the process of caring for and can share in the nurturing of the new baby.

Where do you mold this new baby into the relationship with your oldest child?

This should be a very natural occurrence.  The new baby should be discussed and planned for together before it arrives. If this has not happened then start now.  This is an exciting time- there are plans to be made, celebrations to be had, introductions and many tender moments to be shared.  As long as your first children are included they will enjoy and be proud of their new sibling.

Is it normal to miss that alone time you had with your older sibling?

This is perhaps the hardest part of the adjustment for both of you.  However, this transition occurs naturally as well.  As you your new baby is absorbed into the families daily routine you realize that there are still times (during naps, drives, and many other daily experiences) that you have time for a little one to one with each of your children.

What of the older sibling's behavior changes?

Behavior changes should be expected.  Please don’t fall into the trap of disappointment or resentment when your children unexpectedly change a routine or upset a plan by acting out. Try to see all behavioral changes for what they are; a message. Any change in behavior is a child’s way of telling you that they need some attention. When a child does not understand or is having trouble adjusting to a change, they experience emotions that they cannot explain. Therefore, they act out in whatever way they know will get your attention.  Responding with as much patience as you can find to ask what they are feeling and try to help them through this new adventure of learning to recognize and explain their feelings is your best response.

Quick tips

Here are some basic guiding principles:

Do place value on the different gifts and needs that emerge as they are indicative of unique personalities. The needs of the different personalities will guide you in your time and attention.

Refrain from trying to create separate time for each child.  It will happen naturally and that is all that is needed. When preparing for a new addition to the family – always speak of the new arrival as ‘Ours’ as this conveys the idea of inclusivity rather than condoning a competitive environment. A child’s desire for separate time with you is taught through early socialization.  This is a personal parenting choice.  Not that I want to compare children to pets, but if you think about the transition of bringing a new pet into the family- do you create separate time slots for the children and the pets?  A new sibling coming into the home should be accepted by all in the same manner; it is absorbed into the family environment.  All have gained a new team member.

Allow the siblings to ‘help out’ whenever and wherever possible, this can be very hard for those of us who are perfectionists and feel the need to protect at all costs, but it is also a good exercise in letting go.  Babies are pretty darn resilient and you’re going to need the help! Besides, that desire to help doesn’t last long.

Allow balance to come naturally.  All of nature is homeostatic; your life will balance out- just relax and let it all work itself out.

And Remember - you need time for yourself too. To be the most effective parent or spouse that you can be requires rejuvenation.  Don’t deprive yourself of well deserved breaks – take those well intentioned friends up on offers to help out. Everyone will feel better J

I am happy to answer your questions, if you are wondering many others are as well. Please send them to: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it